FREE REPORT: Are You Transferring Your Own Insecurities to Your Child?
Many parents do, WITHOUT knowing it. Say these seven sentences your child NEEDS to hear from you.
What all children need to hear from their parents
CHECKLIST: Did You Say This?
Suddenly I realized what makes the biggest difference.
In 2007, I discovered that my focus had been wrong. And that the most important thing we can do for children can actually be boiled down to just seven things.
Updated in november 2019 by coach and author Terje Nordkvelle, Vestfold - Norway. (Please excuse the quality of the writing. English is not my first language.)
For the past 12 years, I have helped parents to communicate better with their children, through my books, courses and coaching.
Here are the seven most important sentences I have written. And the most important phrases you can say to your child.
Yes, messy teenage rooms are annoying. Little initiative to do agreed tasks is provocative.
At the same time: If I ask you this question: "In the long run, what do you want for your child?"
Your answer is probably not about tidy spaces and completed tasks, but that they have a good, long and happy life.
In my work I have learned what it takes to build this life.
Here's the answer: That people like themselves.
That's THE most important thing you can do as a parent. To make sure your child likes him or herself.
You will learn how to do that in the seven sentences.
I am ugly and stupid
The reason I feel so strongly about this, is probably my own story of low self-esteem as a teenager.
Failures with girls, school, and sports led me to think I was ugly and stupid.
I am unfortunately not alone in having a negative self-image, and an internal critical voice in my teens. This mindset held me back for many years.
All I needed was to be told that these thoughts about myself were a lie!
Who would have thought I could write a book? Not me...
What about you? Do you like yourself?
Many people answer no. If you do, please know that it is quite common ;-)
And then it is extra important to make sure that you are not transferring your own insecurities to your child.
If you find the seven sentences difficult to say to your child, it is likely that you have not heard them from your parents.
Choose to break that succession. The fact that you are interested in this topic is a clear sign that you have the strength to do so;-)
One more thing: The more your child reacts by rolling their eyes, and expresses that the sentences are foolish, the more important it is to continue.
It is only their inner critical voice that reacts negatively.
The sentences should be adjusted depending on the child's age.
Feedback from parents who have used the sentences:
Per: I tried some sentences on my 14 year old. She did not reply, but I could see she was glad to hear it.
Anne: I get feedback that you say so much weird, Mom, when I say something positive about her..so then she needs to hear it!
Ingrid: Sentence nr. 3 had a very good effect on my little big son ... very special reaction!
If you are having problems with your child, it is often connected to the way they see themselves.
ME AT 15: He was not aware of his strengths. Great fashion sense??
Here are the sentences
Many of us measure our value as human beings to our ego and our achievements or failures.
To avoid that, say:
You: (First name) "Do you know why I love you?"
Child: (Probably "no.")
You: "It's not because you are (good at school, doing tasks, good at sports, etc.). It's because you are you . I love you. No matter how good you are. Even if you make mistakes or stupid stuff. I still love you. "
Surprisingly, many of us feel the feeling of not being good enough. (It is again the saboteur/inner critic who speaks.) So say:
You: (First name) "I read the other day that many people don't think they're good enough. I hope you know you are good enough? Just the way you are."
We all need feedback to find our strengths and talents - who we are. Say the words You Are:
You: I've been thinking about one thing, you are X." (It can be words like brave, kind, tough, caring, creative ++.)
To provide positive self-talk in your child, ask the question:
You: (First name) "What do you like best about yourself?"
If the child does not have an answer, be ready to come up with at least three suggestions.
Many people feel that they do not deserve to be happy. Say therefore:
You: (First name) "Do you know, many feel that they do not deserve to be happy. I hope you know you deserve it? You deserve all the happiness you can get!"
This phrase is taken from my book, "Seven Steps to a Positive Change In Your Teenager" and is designed to make the child feel valuable. Ask for advice. That also creates a good relationship.
You: (First name) "Could I ask you for advice? You see, there is something I wonder about. It is about: (Not getting along with someone at work, choice of clothes, ++.) What do you think I should do? "
Thank the kid for the advice and use it if you can.
Make children aware that they may have an inner critical voice that tells them negative things. Say therefore:
You: (First name) "Many people have some kind of extra voice in their heads. A voice that tells them that they are not good enough, not pretty enough, smart enough and stuff like that.
If you have such a voice it is important that you know that the voice is lying . It's not true, what it says. You're good enough, pretty enough and smart enough, okay? "
THE CAUSE: Thoughts of not being good enough
Can you help me?
Violence, jealousy, crime, addiction. Everything can be traced back to one thing: Our self-image - self-esteem - how much we like and love ourselves.
We all have the need to be seen and loved. If we can not get that, we want respect from others as a second choice.
And if that also fails, we go for solution number three: To be feared.
All three solutions are about the same: the desire to be seen and heard for who we are.
A lot of great work is being done to help teenagers. At the same time, I see that there is too much focus on symptoms, and not the actual cause.
Addiction, bullying, and violence are not the real problems. These are symptoms of that people have not felt seen, and therefore have trouble liking themselves.
Can I ask you to share this page on social media?
My goal is to reach ten thousand people with my message. With approx. 1500 books sold, plus courses and coaching, I am around 3000 at the time of writing this. Please click the blue share button.
OBJECTIVE: Good relationships with others - and ourselves
Frequently asked questions
Question: Is there a danger that my child will become arrogant and over-confident if I say the sentences?
Answer: No. It turns out that arrogant people often dislike themselves. They behave arrogantly to compensate.
People who genuinely like themselves tend to be respectful, empathetic, and caring.
Question: How often should I say these sentences?
Answer: I recommend that you say one sentence every other day. The more resistance you get from the child, the more important it is to continue.
The most common parenting mistakes that lead to arguing.
Click the book cover below to learn more.
EBOOK: How to get your teen to listen - and open up.
Click on the picture to read more about my book.
I sincerely hope that you:
1: Say the sentences to your child - and to others in your life! We all need to hear that we are good enough and begin the job of liking ourselves.
2: Share this page on your social media.
For contact with me, send an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org
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