FREE REPORT: Are You Transferring Your Own Insecurities to Your Child?
Many parents do, WITHOUT knowing it. Say these seven sentences your child NEEDS to hear from you.
SEVEN SENTENCES: What all children need to hear from their parents
CHECKLIST: Did You Say This?
2007: My focus had been wrong... Suddenly I realized what makes the biggest difference.
Teenagers behavior is NOT about their actions. It is ALL about the self-esteem.
And the most important thing you can do, can be said in seven sentences.
Updated in May 2022 by coach and author of "How to Get Your Child to Listen to You - and Open Up. Without Nagging", Terje Nordkvelle, Vestfold - Norway.
In addition to the seven sentences, this page is full of practical tips for parents who wants to communicate smarter with their children.
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I am ugly and stupid
The reason I feel so strongly about this, is probably my own story of low self-esteem as a teenager.
Failures with girls, school, and sports led me to thinking I was ugly and stupid.
I am unfortunately not alone in having a negative self-image, and an internal critical voice in my teens. This mindset held me back for many years.
All I needed was to be told that these thoughts about myself was a lie!
You will learn how to do that in the seven sentences.
Who would have thought I could write a book? Not me...
If you are having problems with your child, it is often connected to the way they see themselves.
I am here to help you with that.
Good luck with your new communication!
Warm regards, certified coach Terje Nordkvelle, a 48 year old former radio guy who quit my job to help young people like themselves better.
ME AT 15: He was not aware of his strengths. Great fashion sense??
For the past 14 years, I have helped parents to communicate smarter with their children, through my books, courses and coaching. Go here to read more on how to get your child to listen to you - and open up.
Here are the seven most important sentences I have written. And the most important phrases you can say to your child.
Yes, messy teenage rooms are annoying. Little initiative to do agreed tasks is provocative.
Still: If I ask you this question: "In the long run, what do you want for your child?"
Your answer is probably not about tidy spaces and completed tasks, but that they have a good, long and happy life.
In my work I have learned what it takes to build this life.
Here's the answer: That people like themselves.
That's THE most important thing you can do as a parent. To make sure your child likes him or herself.
What about you? Do you like yourself?
Many people answer no. If you do, please know that it is quite common ;-)
And then it is extra important to make sure that you are not transferring your own insecurities to your child.
If you find the seven sentences difficult to say to your child, it is likely that you have not heard them from your parents.
Choose to break that succession. The fact that you are interested in this topic is a clear sign that you have that strength to do so;-)
One more thing: The more your child reacts with rolling their eyes, and expresses that the sentences are foolish, the more important it is to continue.
It is only their inner critic voice that reacts negatively.
The sentences should be adjusted depending on the child's age.
Feedback from parents who have used the sentences:
"Sentence nr. 3 had a very good effect on my little big son ... very special reaction!"
"I tried some sentences on my 14 year old. She did not reply, but I could see she was glad to hear it."
"I get feedback that you say so much strange, Mom, when I say something positive about her..so then she needs to hear it!"
THE COACH: Norwegian guy Terje Nordkvelle
Here are the 7 sentences
Background phrase 1:
Many of us measure our value as human beings to our ego and our achievements or failures.
To avoid that, say:
You: (First name) "Do you know why I love you?"
Child: (Probably "no.")
You: "It's not because you are (good at school, doing tasks, good at sports, etc.). It's because you are you. I love you. No matter how good you are. Even if you make mistakes or do stupid stuff. I still love you. "
Background phrase 2:
Surprisingly, many of us feel the feeling of not being good enough. (It is again the saboteur/inner critic who speaks.) So say:
You: (First name) "I read the other day that many people don't think they're good enough. I hope you know you re good enough? Just the way you are."
Background phrase 3:
We all need feedback to find our strengths and talents - who we are. Say the words "You Are":
You: "I've been thinking about one thing, you are X." (It can be words like brave, kind, tough, caring, creative ++.)
Background phrase 4:
To provide positive self-talk in your child, ask this question:
You: (First name) "What do you like best about yourself?"
If the child does not have an answer, be ready to come up with at least three suggestions.
Background phrase 5:
Many people feel that they do not deserve to be happy. Say therefore:
You: (First name) "Do you know, many people think that they do not deserve to be happy. I hope you know you deserve it? You deserve all the happiness you can get!"
Background phrase 6:
This phrase is step two in my book, "How to Get Your Child to Listen to You - and Open Up, in 7 Days. Without Nagging" and is designed to make the child feel valuable. Ask for advice. That also creates a good relationship.
You: (First name) "Could I ask you for advice? You see, there is something I am thinking of. It is about: (Not getting along with someone at work, choice of clothes, ++.) What do you think I should do? "
Thank the kid for the advice and use it if you can.
Background phrase 7:
Make children aware that they may have an inner critic voice that tells them negative things. Say therefore:
You: (First name) "Many people have some kind of extra voice in their heads. A voice that tells them that they are not good enough, not pretty enough, smart enough and stuff like that.
If you have such a voice it is important that you know that the voice is lying. It's not true, what it says. You're good enough, pretty enough and smart enough, okay? "
Continue to read to learn how to create great relationships.
THE CAUSE: Thoughts of not being enough
Have you tried everything and haven’t been able to get the respect and great behavior from your child that you deserve?
After working as a coach for teenagers for over a decade, I have experienced that these are the most common parenting mistakes that lead to arguments - and tips to what you can do instead ;-)
1: Parents deciding and giving advice too often.
TIP: Ask your child for answers. We all like to make our own decisions, and with ownership of a change, it increases the chance of the teen going through with it.
2: Parents addressing mostly the negative.
TIP: Give 80 percent of your attention to the behavior you are satisfied with. Then some of the problems tend to fade away.
3: Parents interrupting.
TIP: Be present as a good listener. Kids do not need our presents. They need our presence.
4: Parents not having a strategy for what they want to get out of the conversations, going on autopilot, and being controlled by emotions.
TIP: Continue reading this page for more advice.
Now you know a little about what not to do. So, what's the smartest thing you can do to create a great relationship with your teenager?
Here is the answer: That you contribute to your child like him/herself more when they talk to you.
That's what my seven-step roadmap to positive teens is all about.
"Step 1 had a very good effect on my son... an extraordinary reaction!"
As a certified coach, I have talked to and helped many teenagers with different challenges over the last twelve years.
I've experienced which conversational techniques have the fastest and most significant effect, to build strong relationships, and now I've finally collated the best in the ebook "How to Get Your Child to Listen to You - and Open Up, in 7 Days. Without Nagging."
This is a guide to a close and good relationship with your child. You will learn the seven easy steps that quickly make your kid do tasks at home, get better self-esteem and become happier.
My book aims to ensure that your communication with your child leads to an inner feeling of security that they will enjoy for the rest of their lives.
These topics are covered in the book:
* How to keep calm and in control.
* Tips to stop arguing, make the youth listen.
* Create a better relationship.
* Get them to do tasks.
* Increase self-esteem, help them to open up.
Do you transfer your own insecurity to your child? Without knowing it?
The first part is written to make sure you do not do that. The seven steps start on page 30. Steps 1 and 2 are really easy and fun, and great for creating trust, so start with them.
In a few days you can experience a warm relationship with authentic conversations where the child opens up and listens to what you say.
The fighting will just be a bad memory. And when problems arise, you know exactly what to say and do to get back on track.
Their self-esteem will grow, they will like themselves more, and will automatically and unconsciously enjoy your company.
This way of communicating has never been more critical than now. Today's teenagers is often known as Generation Perfection, and not without good reason - many experience a performance pressure we have not seen in former generations.
ANDREA: "I have purchased a great book. The advice works! Thank you."
SEE SHORT VIDEO:
Smart trick to get kids to do tasks at home
NICOLE:"This book is a source of inspiration for me in my work with children and youth. This book means a lot to me."
The book helps your child to:
* Be positive and confident.
* Be interested in listening to you.
* Complete tasks.
Reading time is approximately 90 minutes. British Diane Weller is the Copy Editor for this English edition.
CHRISTINA: "Your book came as a godsend to me. Yesterday we had a long conversation, and she opened up more. Today, she has been in a much better mood."
But it’s not for everyone!
The book is only for you if you want to help your teenager to grow and be independent.
If you are more concerned about winning discussions and are uninterested in the child's opinions and life journey, this is not for you.
THE SOLUTION: To help them like themselves
Is this manipulation?
We cannot change others, just ourselves. Still, I firmly believe that we can inspire and motivate the growth in others through the way we communicate.
In this book, you will learn coaching, communication, leadership, influence - and yes, positive manipulation. You will be able to communicate in a way that leads your teenager in the right direction.
With this you can help your teenager into adulthood, secure with the knowledge of who they really are, based on their talents and values, and without the voice of their inner critic slowing down their life journey.
Challenges such as high demands, loneliness, bullying, and substance abuse are not problems. They are symptoms of the real cause: How well they like themselves.
The conversation techniques I share are simple, concrete and effective.
Step 1, for example, is to say only three words.
Often it takes just small changes to create a better relationship.
You can do this! Many parents have told me they’ve seen positive results, fast.
More parents on the techniques in the book
Small adjustments can make big differences. Great help in relationship-building between teenagers and guardians.
Super, easy to understand with good examples.
I have also applied these methods to my working environment.
Very educational, brilliant. Useful, understandable and practical.
Terje is concrete and easy to understand.
KRISTIN, children 13, 18 and 21 years
ANGELA, sons 10 and 14
Parents of students
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Do I have to follow the seven steps?
A: No. You decide. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with the words and strategies because it is vital that you come across as authentic.
At the same time, steps 1 and 2 are designed to build trust so it will be easier to address more pressing issues later in the week.
Q: Do I have to use the seven days?
A: No. That said, I strongly recommend that you actually use the tools and say the words to your child, and then allow some space between the techniques so they can "settle" in the teenager.
Q: Why is the book not for every parent?
A: There are various philosophies when it comes to communication with teenagers.
This book is based on the idea that all people are creative, resourceful and whole, and the number one job for parents is to help their child find these unique qualities, enabling them to grow up with the most robust sense of self-esteem and inner peace they possibly can.
If you feel strongly that your child shall always listen to you and not seek their own answers and direction, this book is not for you.
P.S. This book is tailored to
1: Improve your relationship with your teenager.
2: Equip yourself with techniques that cause other people to enjoy your company.
3: Improve the child’s self-esteem and encourage positive thoughts about themselves, which is the very key to a good life.